The hardest yet best year for the books.

2017, thank you for teaching me the most about life, that I think I could possibly ever learn within a years time span…

In 2017 it has taught me how to say “no” more. How to have more respect for myself and actually appreciate and take recognition over my own self worth. I’ve learned how to love more passionately, fearlessly and unconditionally. How to focus on myself for once instead of seeking for people’s approval in life. I’ve learned how to become a new mother and what sacrifices I have and will be making. Learning how your body changes during a pregnancy and that it’s okay not to love your body during it. But, try and focus on your heart and life choices during those 9 months instead. I’m growing a little human. Horrible dark circles under your eyes are less important than the health of your own child. I’ve learned  how to prepare myself to be a good wife to the man I love with no end. I’ve learned how to be in a honest, loyal, loving, committed relationship and how to actually make it work. 2017, held some of my absolute worst, darkest and hardest days of my life.

Now, I’m glad I stand unshakeable. I’m glad I made it through this year even if most of my decisions I regret and all the mistakes I’ve made, thinking I couldn’t be forgiven. Who could forgive me? JESUS. All my hope is in him. My life is in his hands. He is guiding me everyday. I don’t know what I did to ever deserve his forgiveness and great love but, here I stand… I also want to fully thank 2017 to the fullest. For helping me have a breakthrough with my fears, not being silent with my emotions anymore. For letting me let my walls down and for bringing me the closest I’ve ever been with the holy spirit, Jesus and God. Blessing me with my son, a beautiful baby boy. That will grow up not only loving his family but, loving Jesus. Thank you 2017 for bringing me the love of my life and the true father of my son. Who would of ever thought, right? I’ve learned how to humble my heart and change my ways for the better. How to focus on the fulfilling and fruitful relationships in my life over the broken and unfulfilling ones. Letting go of my past and some of the people that were in it. This year, in the end has brought ultimate peace to my heart and soul. I can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store with my own family, my family and friends. I know it’s going to be amazing.

“Baby, 2018 is our year.” 

Managing your time, what comes first?

How can you manage having one on one time with Jesus when your life is too crazy or too hectic or so it may feel that way…

Y’all, Jesus is all around you, it’s the choices and sacrifices that you have to make in order for that relationship with him to work. Whenever a worship song comes on the radio and you leave it on and sing and think about God. Boom, right there you are pressuring him or at least trying. I think it’s so unrealistic how many christians have a “checklist” of things they need to check off everyday in order to be “right” with Jesus. Well, the truth is, they probably don’t even check off those things on their lists. How many of you actually read the bible daily? How many of you pray daily? How many of you talk/spend time with Jesus daily? Not everyone lives this lifestyle and if you do that is so great. I guess what I’m trying to say here is you don’t have to have a check list for Jesus he already loves you. Personally, I talk to God daily and I try my best to pray daily. However, I don’t read my bible daily. Yet, he still blesses me and loves me non the less. I’m not saying to never read the bible but, don’t feel like something bad will happen if you don’t check off every single thing on your so called “Jesus” checklist. He loves you for YOU. Not what you “owe” him or what you think you owe him.

How do you still keep Jesus number one in your life when you have a serious boyfriend/girlfriend?

If Jesus isn’t number one in that relationship, if he isn’t the center and the most constant thing in your relationship. Well, I’m just going to be real with you… you’re going to struggle and idolize other things in that relationship that shouldn’t be idolized. I am in a very serious relationship. Marriage will be in the next 2 to 3 years for us, for our family. We both try constantly to put Jesus first, not saying we don’t mess up from time to time. But, God blessed us with one another and the gift of unconditionally love for our relationship to grow stronger. Jesus has his hands guiding us daily. How can we NOT put him first and honor what he has blessed us with? One of my all time favorite things that I love about my boyfriend is how he worships Jesus. I love seeing him worship and play the guitar on stage and see him give everything over to Jesus. It’s truly a beautiful thing and it warms my heart to the fullest. I love his love that he has for the Lord.

Most importantly, how can you always keep Jesus in your life? 

Jesus is always there, he is always around, he knows what you’re doing of every second of every day. Ask yourself this… what do you do that makes you feel the most connected with God? Whatever that is, always continue to do such. He only wants your heart and there are so many windows to your heart but, you have to let him be the biggest window. You have to let him enter your heart and into your life. He never wants to cause you pain or suffering. He will never put you through something you can’t handle. It may be hard from time to time because, sometimes throughout life you are thrown into something that has no plan or stability. That’s where Jesus comes in and you can TRUST and let him be that solid ground of trust and faith that you stand firmly on. Jesus doesn’t want your story to be painful to preach he wants it to have a purpose, he wants it be purposeful because he is the only constant purpose in your whole entire life.

Check out this awesome video that inspired me to do this blog! So good! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BMtPU_mC-U

Why is porn wrong?

Personally, I think porn truly kills the true meaning of love. Porn is not a good or truthful thing… it’s just something you put up on a screen to help you fill your sexual needs. Why do we have sexual needs? Because we are simply human. I know many men and even women that have struggled with having a porn addiction and letting it take over their life. How? That’s exactly my question. “I have a beautiful wife and kids, why have I decided to let this take over me.” It boils down to if you have an addiction or not, how far will you continue to go before it ruins your relationship, marriage or even family.

I have been in some pretty horrible relationships, I have been forced to do things sexually that I wasn’t comfortable doing. However, I felt like I needed to do them to please my boyfriend at the time so he wouldn’t get angry or think I wasn’t “sexy” enough for him. Someone should NEVER make you feel that way. That isn’t love or any type of love, it’s called abuse. You never owe someone anything, especially anything sexual.

I never agreed with porn, I have always been against it. If you are in a committed relationship you should have no desire to watch another girl doing sexual encounters on a screen. No matter how you feel about it, it makes the women you’re committed to feel less than. Whether she would ever admit that to you or not, I use to settle… don’t ever settle for anyone. Settling for someone never makes you truly happy, CHOOSING someone is what makes you truly happy. You always deserve the truth, and the true meaning of love. Once you realize your own self worth, it’s such an amazing feeling.

Here are some stories I found that broke my heart but, truly show you how porn effects people’s hearts and they way they think towards it: “Why do men want to watch porn with their wife or girlfriend? My boyfriend of 7 years has started pushing the porn issue. We have a good sex life. I just don’t feel all that comfortable watching porn with him. He never compliments me or tells me he thinks I’m sexy, hot, or even pretty. I’m 24 and I’m not unattractive. I am physically fit and take good care of myself. I can probably count the compliments he has given me in 7 years on one hand. I know he loves me, I think it’s just because of how he grew up and he never had a male role model that treated his mother with respect. Or at least that’s the excuse I give him. Am I wrong for not wanting to watch porn with him when I already feel unattractive to him to begin with. I’ve bought lingerie one time and wore it and he never said a word about it or asked to see it again or anything. But rather he wants me to watch porn with a threesome with 2 girls and one guy. We watched some a couple weeks ago and then wants to ask me if I find the other girls hot. I’m not interested in girls and I wanted to say “it’d be nice if you could use my name and hot in the same sentence”. Then when one of the girls was performing oral sex on the guy, he tells me to watch and wants me to do the same thing to him. I am not a porn star nor do I aspire to be one. I don’t want to be a prude and I don’t want to push him away but jeeeze, I just don’t want to watch other women that he obviously finds hot yet can’t give me a compliment or say anything to me that makes me feel sexy or attractive or anything! And the thing is, I don’t even care if he watches porn by himself! He can watch it till he’s blue in the face. I just wonder why guys want to watch it as a couple.”

Do you realize how she uses excuses and then states that she doesn’t like it and how it bothers her and then at the end says that she is okay with it? That’s called “gaslighting”, which basically means that she is questioning her own thoughts and sanity. I know that porn is more directed towards men and it falls under “it’s all their fault”. Yes, men are usually the ones that have a porn addiction but, I know women that have had addictions and have struggled with it as well. Studies show that 40 million people in the United States view porn sites regularly. Isn’t that crazy and then extremely gross when you actually think about it?

One of my favorite organizations is called “Porn Kills Love” their whole mission is to fight the new “drug” and if you look at it in a sense… porn can be like a drug. Just how some people need to take a couple hits out of their bowl or roll a fatty just to fall asleep. Some people use that same excuse and say I just to the watch an episode of porn to get off too so I can sleep better… you never NEED materialistic things to help you. That’s a lie.

“Sure, porn is fake, but what’s wrong with a little harmless fantasy? The problem is, porn isn’t harmless at all. Studies show that viewing porn makes consumers more critical of their partner and less satisfied with their romantic relationship and sex life. Not only does porn impact romantic relationships, but porn influences the ways individuals view themselves, as well their friends, family members, and others around them. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, porn also changes the ways that individuals view the hobbies and passions they used to love!”

An amazing book that I am reading currently called “Eyes Of Honor” really explains addictions and how God can break them. Porn is a bigger addiction than people truly realize and even understand. Don’t make porn a lifestyle.

Check out this website! You can break your addiction… http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-kills-love/

 

(re)demption

I got a “re-do” with part of my life it was in a strange way and kinda in a backwards way but I got to get a re-do by the grace of God. I never truly knew the meaning of redemption until now. Do y’all know the definition of redemption? If you don’t this is what it means… “the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.” Another word that pops into my mind is recovery. I feel like this past year, all that happened, all that I learned, all that I seeked is my redemption story or in other words my recovery story.

What is something that you think of when you think of recovery? The first thing that I think of is a mental hospital for some reason, I’m not entirely sure why. The meaning of hospital is “an institution providing medical and surgical treatment and nursing care for sick or injured people.” Nursing care is what really stood out to me. Jesus looks at you as one of his patients. I know that I have been talking a lot about healing but this is just the season that I am in currently and it’s so good to be in. The past five months have been my redemption story and I know that for certain. I honestly hate the saying “time heals all wounds” I don’t think that is true… at all. Yes, time helps you forget and move on but all that pain and hurt is still stored in your heart until you know how to keep it below your feet. How you continue to walk along the same path knowing that Jesus healed you from your past and your past hurts. Your OWN personal redemption story is never over.

So, what I usually say is “time doesn’t heal but, Jesus heals” I can’t express to you how true that is. You can never fix your hurts nor your problems until you give them away and let it go and ask him to heal you. Healing is such a strong, powerful word to me. Do you struggle with healing? Do you struggle with how to deal with your burdens or give them away? Check out these verses and awesome sermon, down below!

-1 Corinthians 1:30 

“But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption.”

-Ephesians 1:7 

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”

-Colossions 3:13 

“13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syPL8TvtT8Q 

You got the whole world.

When you’re young and you make a mistake or mess up entirely too big. You automatically get shade or shame from the public. I’m personally sick and tired of hearing and reading articles about it all. Say for example… you get pregnant, get a drug charge or cheat on your SAT test. Did you screw up? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No.

When people first found out that I was pregnant there were a lot of tears. But, it wasn’t necessarily “bad tears”. I remember pacing in the kitchen with my Mom by my side and there was two pregnancy test laying on the table. We honestly didn’t know what to expect. I kept saying in my head and out loud “there is no way it can be positive, no way” well, it was. As most of you all know. From that moment on my life was forever changed.

Why I can dislike the biological father… he never stayed nor wanted no part of any of this. The first time I told him I was pregnant he lied to me and said “well, there is no way it’s me, that’s impossible.” Anything is impossible when you’re living in fear. He already had a daughter that he couldn’t see due to his life style and poor actions. How could he have another kid on the way? The most manliest and mature thing is never to lie about your actions but to take full responsibility for them. We all make mistakes but it’s how we deal with them that matters the most.

How Jesus washes your slate clean…

I have always struggled with my past. It comes back to haunt me quite often. But, what haunts me the most is my sexual past. Have you ever heard the expression “the people you sleep with become your ghosts” well, that’s how I felt for the longest time and still struggle with it from time to time. The devil knows it one of my weakest spots. A lot of those chains have been broken and I know The Lord has already forgiven me. I felt like I was wearing a long, heavy, black coat for the longest time that could never come off.

But, Jesus wants you to be wearing a short,light,pure,white coat. He can provide that experience for you. Sex is one of the most beautiful, personal and loving things two souls can possible do together. It creates a deep bondage. But, most people take advantage or it and make it a nasty thing, which it was never meant to be…

When I met you for the first time in Pet Mania…

The first time I met you in Pet Mania with one of you ex girlfriends by your side. I never thought you would be my forever. But, shockingly you are. I found out you went to the same church as me. I always wanted to talk to you and get to know you better but I knew your girlfriend didn’t like me or would of wanted me to talk to you. So, years went by where we would see each other from a distance and be friends on social media but, that was it. Little did I know that within this last year and a half of us talking that you were going to be my family. Little did I know that you were going to fall in love with me and want to adopt my son. Wild, right? No. That’s just the power of Jesus. He is too good.

Why we love you, we love you because you stayed. WE love you because you never judged but, you continued to love us unconditionally, love us no matter how hard it got or how much worry attacked your gentle heart. It’s crazy how I haven’t even given birth to Teagan yet but, look at all the wonders that Jesus has provided and already had planned for us, and this is only the beginning of it all.

Feelin’ beautiful…

Most of everyone that I know has some type of stretch marks. Should your identity ever be in how you view yourself or how you look? No. It should always be in Jesus. Because, he is the one that made you and shaped you into something beautiful. I have really been struggling feeling beautiful or “sexy” during this pregnancy my confidence level has gone down greatly. But, it has truly taught me that looks aren’t everything and they never should be. Is it good to be in shape and want to feel good about yourself? Yes. But, should it be the only thing you focus on and more importantly the only thing you “look” for in people. No. When you are growing another beautiful human inside of you that should always be your number one. Even when Mommy feels ugly or gross. I have a beautiful baby boy growing in me. The human body is amazing and God granted me with one of my biggest blessings. Ever.

How he heals…

Healing has always been a long process, right? It’s never quick. You usually always have to take care of your cuts or scrapes and they usually turn into scars. Which takes years for them to go away. Sometimes, they never do. I personally have a lot of scars on my body and each one has a story and some of them have made me stronger. I feel like that’s how Jesus views our hearts. He knows we all have damage and we all have scars and that some hearts are damaged more than others. My heart was damaged for the longest time before Jesus healed me and made it new again. I encourage you to do the same thing. It’s worth it. I promise. He can truly he heal and heal you in ways you never thought were possible.

Ephesians 6:11-18

¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

 

 

 

 

Teagan

I never thought that I would of gotten pregnant at 20 years old but, I did.

I also never thought I would of gotten a lot of support and love during this journey. BUT, I did. I’ve had a lot of people give me a lot of negativity about this and about me deciding on keeping the baby. I also however never experienced so much love and humility before in my life. I know that I honored one of God’s wishes for me, and that wish was for me to keep my son Teagan and not go through with having an abortion and for me to raise him. They say it takes a village, right? Well, God has provided a village full of people for me. There has been some very special people standing by my side through all this. God has been blessing me and showing me how much he loves me. I am so thankful for his goodness, I feel like I don’t deserve it. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing and I couldn’t be happier to have this beautiful baby boy. I am taking this journey one day at a time, that’s all anyone can ever do… Here is a link to the rest of my testimony/story! Check it out. I would love to share it with you. Thank you for reading.

http://subsplash.com/oasis/v/bwps7dg 

Same drugs.

One of my favorite songs at the moment is “Same Drugs” by Chance the Rapper. It really speaks to me and his lyrics have such a powerful meaning behind all of them. The lyrics always have a story to tell and I love that. Personally, a lot of my friends and family have been addicted or controlled by heroin at some point in their life. It’s a sad, dark and lonely place to be in not only physically but mentally. I have been seeing a lot of hate, spiteful words and major negativity lately on social media and also just by word of mouth. About heroin addicts, drug addicts and recovering addicts. This is a very sensitive subject for me. I’m not trying to make drugs a positive thing or say that it is a good choice or thing to pursue in life. But, I think we should have some grace here. We are all human and addicts and recovering addicts are just like you and I. We’re all equal and we are all here, here on this earth. I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I love this so much. “Nobody ever starts using heroin thinking “You know what sounds like a great idea today?  I should develop an addiction that will ruin my entire life.”, Nobody. So for those of us who haven’t ever used it, I am tired of hearing “Let the scumbag addicts die.” Or variations of that. First of all, not every addict is a scumbag just like not every drug free person is a fantastic human being. Second, most of us will never know how it feels to have a disease that takes over your life. The real scumbags here are the people who think addicts deserve to die. That’s the purest form of evil that exists next to heroin and that’s a fact.” I’ll just leave that there… let you process all that. “Same Drugs” describes the relationship between Chance and a girl from his childhood. Realizing that they no longer share the same interests and experiences that they did as children, Chance reflects nostalgically on their shared youth and explores his own feelings of loss around growing up. Throughout the song, Chance uses the story of Peter Pan as a allegory to illustrate the story he is trying to tell throughout the song.” A lot of people assumed that this song was about doing drugs and thinking that this was a song about encouraging drugs. Every word has a meaning just like every human as a meaning. Certain drugs are a mistake just like killing, cheating and much more. We all have committed a crime in our lifetime and dealt with the consequences whether it being serving actually jail time or living with a lifetime full of mental consequences for the actions we’ve done. We all sin. We are all sinners. But, sometimes we have to ask ourselves can you honestly say that “We don’t do the same drugs no more?”

You will not silence us.

Us as women hold a very special place in this world. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t give us the credit that we deserve. I believe that we should be able to do as we please and not be told what or how to do something. We’re not entitled to anyone or any of their rules. We should not be felt like we’re being tied down. This is one of my favorite quotes… “I believe in strong women. I believe in the woman who is able to stand up for herself. I believe in the woman who doesn’t need to hide behind her husband’s back. I believe that if you have problems, as a woman you deal with them, you don’t play victim, you don’t make yourself look pitiful, you don’t point fingers. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.”  A lot of us women are broken and feel like we have no voice anymore. We can make beautiful look good, we can be strong and look invincible. We all have wings, it’s just whether you choose to use them to fly or use them to sit still and look pretty. Women have such a big roll and it’s such an amazing thing. No one can silence us anymore. We were born to change the world one lady at a time. This world has so many beautiful cultures and different things in it. Women have and still are making such big impacts within this world. I’m truly blown away daily on how far we have come. “Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” We as women always need to stand and fight together and for each other. No one can make us be quite and silence our dreams, ever. My heart breaks that I couldn’t attend the “Million’s Women March” that was held in Washington, DC on January 21st. I loved seeing all the pictures and posts that all you lovely people posted on social media and such. It was a wonderful and beautiful thing to see. It warms my heart to know that they’re still good people out there in this dark world. I love all of you beautiful and unique women out there. You’re so loved and worth to be fought for and to be fought for your rights in this world.

The best thing you never had.

Everyone remembers their first love, it was an exciting time in your life. The thrill of dating and the rush of all the “lovey dovey” emotions. Dwelling in the concept of “true love” and “forever & always” But, unfortunately it usually all comes to a complete stop. The breaks kick in and they kick in hard. Because… about 99% of the time, love is blind and we as humans usually try to ignore all the red flags. That was my first mistake. “Tell me about her, she asked.” “About who?” “Your first love of course.” “She laughed while sitting up, waiting for him to elaborate on the subject.” A lot of people that are dating someone new don’t know how to handle this question. They get all nervous and say “that was in the past so, I left it there” OR “I don’t even remember she means nothing to me.” If a boy ever says that to you run… run for the hills. That was my second mistake, I didn’t. I let all my feelings and hurt fester (brushed my hands off and pushed it aside) kept telling myself “OH, it will get better.”But, sadly I let it eat me alive inside.If you “truly” loved someone at a point in your life. They will always mean sometimes to you. Usually… at least from my personal experience within the whole “dating” and “living together” experiences I’ve had. If the boy that you are dating can’t be open with you about their past relationships or don’t want to talk about it. Keep pushing it aside, changing the subject or still have anger and resentment towards it and make up lies so their “ex” looks bad. Simple means he hasn’t let go and doesn’t know how to deal with all those mixed feelings. He hasn’t fully healed yet. Relationships are hard and usually always messy. Ever hear of a clean breakup…? That’s funny because I haven’t either. It takes a LONG time to heal and get over relationships. I have never, ever understood how people get over them so fast. The truth is… they don’t. They never do. They’re just super good at hiding their emotions and bottling them up inside and waiting for the next item or “girl” to come along. BOOM! Weird… they’re suddenly happy again and everything feels right.  While, your sitting in a dark room, sobbing asking yourself “why” “how could he do this to me” or “I thought he loved me” The truth is… he didn’t love you. He never did. Because, if he did he never would of made you or your heart hurt and ache like this. Never put happiness in an item or person, they will never fulfill you they way you need to be fulfilled. You need to create your OWN happiness, own it and be in control of it. Love hurts and it usually always hurts until you find the right person. I haven’t found the right person yet. It’s that simple… but is it? Who will love me, with all my broken pieces? Am I too emotional for him to handle? I am just unworthy of love… it’s me, I’m clearly the problem. I’m just too much to handle. What’s wrong with me? Can anyone relate? Well that’s my thinking process. Sometimes, I feel like my brain never stops. I keep running around this track going a thousand miles per hour and never having stability. But, the storm always has a ending and calms down eventually. “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a ringing brass gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and I know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I parcel out all my possessions, and if I hand over my body in order that I will be burned, but do not have love, it benefits me nothing.” -1 Corinthians 13.   I can’t tell you how many times that I have read that verse. It speaks so much truth into my life. I am personally going through a breakup and I am still in the healing process. I know I am strong and so is my heart and one day I will look back and say… “Wow, that feels like forever ago” “Now, I’m all healed and I have no scars left.” I know most people can’t say that… people need to except what life throws at them. Try to deal with the issues the best they can, move on and grow… KEEP growing!! Stop asking the “why’s” and “how’s” and just wrap your head around that fact that it actually happened. You need to have solid, deep, rooted roots before you can grow your beautiful branches. The truth is, if someone makes you feel like it’s your fault or there is something wrong with you. There is clearly something wrong with them, they have internal issues. They don’t want to deal with there feelings so, they turn it into mind games. They put you down instead of lifting you up.  If you know you didn’t do anything wrong. Trust in that and know you are SO worthy of love and to be loved my the right person. Don’t search of love. Love will eventually come to you, when your ready. “Please have mercy on my heart, she said sweetly.” That was my third mistake, I didn’t pray for mercy and protection over my heart. I just recently lost my first love and it came with a big crash. Seek direction and pray for peace… “you drown my fears in perfect love.” Love is a funny thing. Don’t look back… keep on moving forward. Always.